he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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