we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
