No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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