do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you have to choose: penises or morals?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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