had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
