It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
