i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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