Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
