Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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