respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize