They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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