Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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