awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
