??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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