Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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