Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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