is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
