Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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