I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
