I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
