1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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