i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
