so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
