i need an iv and a liver transplant
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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