Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
