guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
