i don't like sucking hair
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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