WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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