my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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