Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
