Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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