I'm lost and stupid without you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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