i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
