just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
