As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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