My liver just broke up with me...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
