She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
