Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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