dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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