Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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