I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
