Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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