So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
