I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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