I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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