he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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