She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
