You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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