Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
