would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
