i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
