Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
