I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize