Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
