i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
