if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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